The words we say versus the words we don’t say, the things we do versus the things we don’t, the thoughts we pay attention to versus the ones we don’t, and how we react to our feelings.
Words have meaning – they have an etymological meaning (a history), a cultural and socioeconomic meaning, and a psychological one (the emotions and thoughts they trigger in us because of what we learnt they mean). It’s only when someone understands all these meanings for oneself and for their interlocutor, when one can say, with Wittgenstein, that language is a game and we play it along with the words we use. Because then the two people in the conversation know the rules: the rules are understanding what a word means for both people involved in that conversation, and only in that way communication can be clear, efficient, effective and one feels that the other one understood. And feeling is so important – because that’s the only thing that matters, in the end – is what shapes our memories of what was a good life; the memory of our feelings of understanding, gratitude, kindness, compassion and love. Of, in the end, not feeling alone in the universe, which we are, and we aren’t.
Now, as the later Wittgenstein realised – and only now am I able to embrace with a deeper understanding of what those words mean: the world is shaped and defined by the words we choose. Our world is the words we choose to define it with. And that means that one cannot be oblivious to the meaning that the words have for the person one is talking to, or for oneself. And therefore, to the society in which one lives. Words create our reality. They shape our thoughts and our personality, and the personality of our children, and they have an impact in the people we talk to, and therefore will generate feelings and reactions and actions to those feelings. Using the words that most effectively express the reality we believe in deep in our soul, that’s probably what ‘truth’ is. What being ‘genuine’ means. What we mean by ‘vulnerability’, when we express things that are the truth we believe in knowing that some people may judge us, because they won’t understand it and they may never understand it. And yet, choosing to say it anyway, because we are not talking to them; but to the few that want and can listen.
Good words come from good thoughts, and they build a good reality. They build good feelings, which then are transformed into good actions. Bad words are just that, ‘bad’ words, which will trigger ‘bad’ feelings and which will turn into ‘bad’ actions. Change the word ‘bad’ to unhealthy, to unhappy, to non effective, to not nice, to nasty; it’s all the same thing, the result of which is one didn’t want. If one wants a compassionate, kind, loving, effective and constructive reality (a ‘good’ reality), that starts by the thoughts one chooses to pay attention. It continues by understanding the feelings that are triggered by certain thoughts and why are they triggered. It continues by what one does with all of that. The words one chooses to say, and the actions one does.
A compassionate, kind and loving reality is constructed by good thoughts, good words and good deeds. And by understanding that the person one is talking to may not have the same ‘awareness’ or come from the same familiar, socioeconomic, or cultural background. So, then decipher what are they trying to say with the things they are saying and what are they trying to do with the things they are doing. Instead of taking them by their word from our understanding of that word. Because we all do what we can; what our awareness to date allows us to do. Now, that is love for any human being, and that is friendship. And that is perhaps a good working relationship too, where one knows and allows and teaches by example. Love for a partner, however, true love, comes from an equality with their partner in this particular view: good thoughts (which imply understanding the other’s worldview and demons, and understanding one’s own, and one’s own demons), good words (“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God”), good deeds (we are what we do, we are what we show, we are what we are perceived by the ones who can see us without the veil of their ignorance, cynicism, or fear), which describes one’s entire cosmovision.
And anything we do, is out of love for other people. It’s what keeps us alive and gives us meaning: people. That’s why we owe it to each other – to keep learning, to have better thoughts, to use better words, to not repeat our mistakes and to do better. To own who we are, who we know, deep down, when we listen to ourselves, we are, and to think and act accordingly to that truth.
And to write that down, so maybe it can help another.
G. Maria Bencich-Grigore 