For how long can one avoid their dreams?
For me, it has been 32 years, nearly 33; a few uni degrees, a 9-year career in something I, deep down, did not feel proud of. Burnout, complete lack of motivation, rampant procrastination, sleeping as a way of escapism. The story I had told myself for years no longer made sense; the excuses stopped masking the unbearable truth. That I never believed in what I was doing, and no fancy job title, salary increase or love for the people I worked with, could disguise that. It all came to an end when I lost someone dear to me in the job, although the decline started when I stopped managing the team I cherished. For my team I could justify that one makes a change wherever one is, independently of the sector or the mission. After losing them, it was more difficult to continue being oblivious to the fact that I had always been a bit too sceptical of the third sector*, and even more so of the HR world**.
So, why now? It could have happened any time, I suppose. But it happened – now. Maybe because the risk did not feel as high. I am already on the path to a much more stimulating career, such as cyber security. I had missed the tech side in my life for a very long time and as someone who spent half of her life seeking belonging and, dare I say, safety and security, focusing on the security side of technology just makes a lot of sense. So, the work side of the equation is falling into place.
But what about one’s dreams? The ones one longs for and the ones one keeps postponing until a time where the conditions are finally right to take action. I keep saying that if I had six months left to live, I would dedicate those to singing. Yet, since I seem to believe that I have more than those six months left to live, I keep procrastinating on this deep desire, way too afraid of committing to it… and failing. If I am yet to start it, I have not failed – or so the mantra seemed to suggest. But not doing something is in itself a failure. And I do not want to get into my old age – if I am lucky enough to get there – and find out it is too late now.
The other bit that helped was giving my dream a timeline. One year. I do not need to change my whole life and commit forever to my dream. I want to give it a fair chance, however. No more of the singing classes I start and stop after a few months for any excuse, no more books about singing without reading. No more of the half commitment nonsense which led to nothing all these years. One year of full commitment. This is my quest.
One year where I dedicate myself fully to singing in a way I have never dared before. I have been too afraid to leave everything behind and chase a dream I do not know I can conquer. Nonetheless, I can spend a year chasing my dream. Whatever happens. After one year, the conclusion may be that this was never a real dream. Or that I am not good enough to continue with this dream. Or that nothing else should matter and this is my quest in life. Or, who knows. Many things can happen in a year. The idea here is that I am giving my dream one year.
And it starts on the first of January 2025.
I will be reflecting on my journey in this blog and I hope this may help others out there who are doubting whether they should chase their dreams. May my experience help you.
* Don’t get me wrong: I have great respect for the NGO, humanitarian and international development world. There are people in there who are improving other people’s lives, and without them, their chances would be minimal. Where governments are flawed, corrupt, slow, or blind to people’s needs, charities and NGOs fill a much needed gap. But if I need to do my part in making this world a better place, my part is for the public arena. I strongly believe in government’s role to enable its citizens to have equal opportunities and fulfil their potential. If there is a place where I can work and endure its flaws without losing faith in its mission and value, that is the public sector.
** As for HR – what a misunderstood and belittled term this has become. Human Resources should be one of the pillars of any organisation. If HR does a stellar mission at supporting other departments in bringing, training and motivating the right people -and isn’t an organisation all about the people you bring together to accomplish a mission?-, then I have no doubt that organisation is going to be a success. In practice, however, ask anyone about their first thought about HR, or have a quick browse online about people’s feelings about HR, and, sadly, there seems to be a pervading distrust at best or mocking at worst of the HR function. In practice, whether this is because of the professionals themselves lacking skills, or their organisations undermining their roles or any other reason, people’s experience of HR is pretty much negative. So, despite knowing how critical the role is, I was never proud of telling others that I worked in HR or executive search, my former company’s specialty. It was even more difficult to keep believing in it when, internally, I could see the lack of respect given to the HR department and how it struggled to obtain and keep hold of resources and being able to exist.
G. Maria Bencich-Grigore 